Continued from yesterday’s post.

I am learning something new in response to people who are put off by who I am, which I will get to in a minute.

I equate myself to an onion, albeit a very sweet and pleasant-smelling one. I have many layers, some of which are complex and deeply embedded. Some men are very attracted to my outer layer. It looks good to them, and I do not just mean my physical appearance. So, they pursue me and encourage me to reveal some of the deeper layers. They even tell me things like, “you hold back,” wanting to draw me out more.

However, once I begin to reveal myself, I find that many men do not react in a loving, supportive, encouraging way. They say things to me like, “I am intimidated by you,” “You are too serious,” “You are too sensitive,” or they withdraw. They begin to withhold affection and avoid open communication. This pattern has happened to me countless times. A man seems to want me to open up, but it stirs up his insecurities when I begin to reveal myself. Then he reacts in a way that is not supportive; he says things that accuse me of being somehow “wrong.”

I recently wrote a post on some of my relationship insecurities and some specific instances of when I have gotten “negative feedback” (like the examples above) from a man in a dating relationship. One of my readers left me a very helpful comment, and she stated the following:

If ANY man, desires that you be something MORE, or something BETTER, than what you are at this moment in time, what he means is that you are not good enough for him. He is an arrogant, demeaning, SOB. Run. Run for your life. Because what he means, is that you are broken, and he is the key to fixing you. There is no possible way to take this in a loving way, dear. You are perfect as you are, and if ANY man doesn’t think so, he needs to go find somebody else, because you deserve a man who thinks you hung the moon. You deserve a man who believes he is the luckiest man in the universe to be in your presence. You deserve a man who believes you are the best woman he has ever known, just as you are. NO MAN, especially in a DATING situation, has the right or obligation, to give you ANY KIND of negative feedback.

I spent a lot of time pontificating on my reader’s words. I see now how I have allowed men make me feel bad about myself when they are likely speaking in reaction to their own insecurities.

I am open to compromise and adaptation in a relationship, but I now realize that there is nothing wrong with the core of who I am, and I do not need to change me. I do not need to be inauthentic by holding in my emotions or acting superficial.

What is it about me that is intimidating? I struggle with the same issues as everyone. I am weak and messy and imperfect. I have the same needs for love, nurturing, companionship, and affection as everyone else.

Ultimately, I want exactly what my reader wrote in her comment: I want a man who believes I hung the moon, someone who thinks I am amazing, who is drawn to my unique qualities and nurtures them.

Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”