My husband meets with his discipleship group on Monday nights, and this week, they began a new unit on marriage.  I am also in a discipleship group at our church, studying the same curriculum for the year, but we are about two months behind schedule, so we are stuck studying the Trinity for now.   Three in one, it’s not rocket science.  The topic of marriage sounds more interesting.  But I digress. 

Smith came home last night after his group meeting and said the guys in his group all rated their marriage on a scale from 1 to 10, and he relayed to me his score.  I heckled Smith a bit because he didn’t give our marriage a perfect 10; he claimed that no marriage is a 10, so that score was automatically out.  He has a point; I’m not sure why I gave him a hard time about it.  I know he is happy with me.

I have been thinking about our discussion and the rating scale all day today.  I keep coming back to this: I would give our marriage a 10.  Not because it is perfect; far from it.  Having such a close, intimate relationship with another human being is messy, far messier than being single and living alone.  Dying to my own agenda and my selfishness is painful.  Constantly working to communicate well, compromise, and coordinate schedules is tough.  Conflict hurts. 

And yet.

I would not be the woman I am without Smith.  The process of growing and learning together is beautiful and has prompted me to grow and become sharpened in ways I never would have as a single person.  I have many opportunities to put Smith’s needs ahead of my own, and when I do, God does lovely things with it.  The oneness I experience with Smith as our lives and our minds synchronize is incredible.  My faith has deepened tremendously over the past seven months as my dependence on God for the grace to grow, learn, submit, and serve has expanded.

If I had imagined a picture of a wonderful marriage while I was still single, it would have contained all the elements of what I have with Smith.  He gets me.  He loves God.  We have a deep friendship and laugh a lot together.  We are extremely similar to each other.  These qualities barely capture a chip of the splendor of our relationship.  Like the Trinity, we are two in one (plus God makes three).  And that is a glorious thing: a 10.

Ephesians 5:31

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Reflecting on 2011, I have so much to be thankful for:
 -       I am most thankful for God, and the gift of grace I receive because God sent Jesus Christ to live the life I should have lived and died the death I deserved to die so that I might have new life.

-       I am also hugely thankful for my new wonderful husband, who I married in 2011.  At times it still seems surreal that I am actually married.  I feel so accepted and loved by him, far more than I deserve. 

-       I am thankful for my renewed relationship with my mom, the part she played in my wedding planning and ceremony this past year, and the quality time we spend together on Sunday evenings.

-       I am thankful for my friends who I seem to need now more than ever, who are like family to me, and who made me feel so special and loved at my showers and my wedding this past year.

-        I am thankful that I got a sister this year, as my brother also got married in 2011!  I have never had a sister before.

-       I am thankful for my job and coworkers, my stable employment, work I enjoy, and coworkers who are edifying and nourishing to my spirit.

-       I am thankful that God has increased and deepened my faith in Him and my trust in His plan for my life over the past year.  Through struggle and hardship, I have realized more of the depth of my dependence on Him to sustain me.  I am thankful that He has a plan for me, because my plan for me would have turned out disastrously.

-       I am thankful for My rich times with God while riding in the car over the past 3 months in particular: being able to listen to the Bible and sermons and pray and listen to worship music – a surprising blessing that has enriched my personal worship times.  I am spending a great deal more time in the car over the past few months than I was previously. 

-       I am thankful, too, for the struggles I encountered in 2011, which have exposed some of my sin and increased my dependence on God.  I am thankful for the hardships that help unite my husband and I, and working through conflict with him: apologizing, repenting, and growing in relationship with each other and with God.

My goals for 2012:
-       Finish listening to (or reading) the entire Old Testament.  I am currently on the book of Joshua.

-       Pray that God will strengthen my weak areas, specifically my impatience and inflexibility.  Seek to surrender to His will for my life daily.

-       Learn better ways of responding to conflict or stressful situations.

-       Learn how to better love and serve my husband.

-       Continue healthy eating and regular exercise, maintain my weight and body fat percentage, strength, and general health.

Smith and I are celebrating our first holiday together as a married couple, and since he knows that Halloween is my favorite holiday, he offered for us to carve pumpkins together.  Technically, we were married prior to Independence Day, but we both dislike crowds, humidity, bugs, children, and staying up late, so we forwent the fireworks. 

I have fond memories of my parents making each holiday special for me and my three brothers, and I am excited about starting new traditions with Smith.  My dad was creative and artistic, and he took us each year to the farmers market or pumpkin patch to carefully sort through all the gourds to find the perfect ones for carving.  He enjoyed helping us gut our pumpkins, carefully drew designs on their faces to our liking, and proudly displayed our masterpieces on the front porch of our house.

Smith and I first picked out a couple of pumpkins from the grocery store.

We love analyzing the personality types and interpersonal dynamics of the characters on “Family Guy,” and we recite lines from the show as a part of our daily conversation, so Stewie and Brian seemed like natural choices for our pumpkin carvings.  I drew a couple of stencils for us to use.

I made sure the stencils fit our pumpkins.

We scraped the guts out of our pumpkins.

Yum.

We attached the stencils to the pumpkins using toothpicks. 

Using a pointy plastic tool, we punctured small dots through the stencil into the face of the pumpkin.  This gave us the outline for the areas that would be carved out.  Smith preferred to use a metal dental pick to make the dots, as it was sturdier than the plastic tool.

Stewie is fully carved.

Brian is almost ready.

We put candles inside the pumpkins and turned off the lights.  Voila.

Stewie and Brian together and all aglow.

I had a difficult time locating a company that would produce the album I desired; many companies only sell to professional, credentialed photographers.  I came across Sweet Memory Albums, who offers flush mount albums to the amateur individual, and I was instantly impressed by the photos and layouts displayed on the website.  I could not find any blog reviews of the company, so I hope this review will be helpful to those who may be looking for a high quality photo album.

As a first step, I took advantage of the site’s offer to send a few sample layout pages.  I uploaded several photos, and Fritz Duchardt, who I assume is owner, operator, and designer for Sweet Memory Albums, quickly emailed me back with two sample pages in PDF format.  The layout was beautiful. 

I was somewhat skeptical of the site at first because I could not find any reviews online, other than the reviews on Qype, a European review website, to which the Sweet Memory Album home page offers a link.  I tend to question everything and wondered if the consistently glowing reviews could be fake (I now realize they are not).  While Sweet Memory Album’s risk free purchase guarantee was comforting on one hand, it was also a bit unsettling, because I wondered how Fritz could offer such a great deal.  If I did not like my album, I could send it back within 15 days without paying anything.  I wondered how he was protected in case I absconded with the album.  I was also wary of the fact that the company is located in Germany, and I live in the United States.  I have never ordered online from overseas.

However, I could not find another company who could produce the album I wanted, and I was impressed with my interaction with Fritz via email and the sample pages he sent, so I proceeded to place my order.  I uploaded about 70-80 wedding photos.  I chose to order an 11.8” x 11.8” album and included the design service, for a small extra fee.  Fritz included nearly all of the photos I sent in the final design, and I ended up with seven full two-page spreads, as well as two single pages (the very first and the very last page of the album). 

My husband emailed to ask how Fritz was protected in case of shenanigans on the part of the client, and he explained that because you agree to the terms and conditions when you order, he would be able to sue the client if it came to that.  However, he indicated that it had not been a problem for him.  Per the terms/agreement, I could terminate the process at any time without paying any money, so ultimately I felt comfortable proceeding.

I was highly impressed with the design Fritz sent back within a day or two of placing my order; he emailed me a proof in PDF format.  He then worked with me to produce the exact layout I wanted as I gave feedback on a few details.  I owe all the artistic ingenuity of the design and layout to Fritz, but I had a couple of suggestions to switch some photos around or use color photos instead of black and white.  He was happy to oblige and quickly responded with updated proofs.

Fritz was highly professional and prompt in responding to all my emails.  Once I approved the final design, about a week after placing my original order, Fritz told me it would be 4-5 weeks until the album was printed and shipped.  He shipped my package via Fed Ex, and sent me a tracking link, just less than 4 weeks from the date of final approval on the proofs, and I received it two days later.  Once I received the album and looked it over, I had Fritz send me the payment link.  I paid via Pay Pal, which is a safe and secure payment method.  The payment went through with no problems.

I am amazed by the quality of my album; it is lovely.  I was touched by the care that was taken in packing it for shipping.  The album was carefully wrapped in brown paper, with plain white paper in between each of the pages.  It came in a cloth bag, which I will keep to protect my album from wear.  It was then wrapped inside several layers of bubble wrap and cardboard, and then placed in the outer box.  My husband is my greatest earthly treasure, and this album will always remind me of the tender and excited feelings I had on our wedding day, so the care that was taken to package the album meant a lot to me.

The album itself is gorgeous.  While Sweet Memory Albums offers very competitive prices, the album was much more expensive that what I would normally spend.  For me personally, I would consider it a luxury item, as I am extremely frugal.  But it was worth every penny.  (Prices are listed on the Sweet Memory Album website.)  The photos in the album are gorgeous, owing in part to our talented photographer, and in part to the photographic quality of the album’s pages.  The album is constructed very well and I imagine it will last a lifetime. 

I have included pictures of our album throughout this post as a reference.  Any issues with the images I posted are the sole fault of this writer and my complete lack of photographic skills and technique.  The actual photos in the album are as crisp and clear as the high-quality digital images we received from our photographer.

I aimlessly wandered the aisles of Wal-Mart last week as often happens when I enter the brightly-lit, wide aisles filled with colorful displays, despite my best intentions to shop with a purpose and stay focused on my 4-item shopping list.  I was enticed by a spooky display of Wilton Halloween decorating supplies.  Halloween has long been my favorite holiday.  I love the warm clear air just beginning to chill in the evenings; the creepy spider, ghost, and pumpkin decorations make me smile; and I enjoy the creative aspect: one can dress up and be whoemver he or she wants for one night only.  There are endless possibilities, and I love possibilities.

Last month, I took a 4-week cake decorating course, and I have been eager to practice my “skills.”  So, I picked up a few fun cupcake decorations and plotted my masterpiece.

I decided to try making Wilton’s recipe for Buttercream Icing, in contrast to the Class Decorating Buttercream Icing to which I had previously been accustomed.  Several of the reviewers on Wilton’s site indicated that the Buttercream Icing was a bit thin, so I added only half the milk that the recipe called for.  However, I believe that the Buttercream Icing, while a mushier texture than the Class Decorating Buttercream Icing, needed the full amount of milk, as the icing came out of the decorating tip jagged on the edges (can be a result of icing that is too stiff).  I used salted butter as some of the reviewers recommended to cut the sweetness of the icing a bit.

I do not eat sweets and am far from being a connoiseur, but I had a small taste of each type of icing, and I believe that the Buttercream Icing tastes better.

I made my favorite cupcake recipe: one box of yellow cake mix and one 12-oz can of pumpkin stirred together and spooned into (pumpkin-printed) baking cups.  I baked a pan of 12 cupcakes on 350 degrees for 20 minutes.  These cupcakes turn out very moist and tasty.  (I do not add eggs, oil, or water as the instructions recommend.  The pumpkin substitutes for all of these ingredients.)

I made two recipes of Buttercream Icing and divided it in half.  I put Wilton orange food coloring in one batch and mixed Wilton green and yellow for the other batch.  I iced the cupcakes using the 1M tip and disposable decorating bags (no coupler used).  I had a fair amount of icing left over, but I think one recipe of the icing may not have been enough to ice the 12 pumpkin cupcakes.

I added fun Halloween toothpicks and voila!

I put the cupcakes in the refrigerator as a fun surprise for my wonderful husband Smith to find when he gets home from work tonight.

Here are pictures from the class.

In the spirit of learning the skills needed to be a good wife, I signed up for a cake decorating class, and last night was the third of four sessions.  We learned how pipe several different types of flowers: drop flowers, rosettes, pom-pom flowers, and shaggy mums.  We also learned how to ice cupcakes.

Drop Flowers

Drop Flowers Close Up

We prepared all of our decorating bags with icing (made prior to class) and the tips we would need for the remainder of the session.

Rosettes

Rosettes Close Up

Shell Border and Leaves

Pom Pom Flower

Shaggy Mum

Shaggy Mums piped on cupcakes

Pom Pom Flower piped on cupcake

Iced Cupcake

Next week we will learn to make the Wilton Ribbon Rose and we will decorate a Happy Birthday cake with flowers, a border, and writing.

Today I feel heartbroken because my brother was in an accident and his knee was badly broken.  He will have surgery tomorrow.  I have not been in contact with him yet and have only gotten brief updates through his emails to my dad, but I long to be there for him.   I am thankful for my husband Smith who prayed for my family with me last night; it was a great comfort to me.  I am thankful for my church family who is covering my brother in prayer.   

There was a long period of time in my life when I prided myself on being independent, and I did not think I needed anyone.  I saw relying on others as a weakness.  However, since I became a Christian about six years ago, God has shown me the blessings and love of others, and I am so thankful to have the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Learning about my personality type

INTJ is one of sixteen personality types as defined by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality test.  This personality test is in widespread use by both therapists and businesses.  I studied counseling in grad school, so I am very familiar with this assessment tool, and I have done a great deal of reading and research on Myers-Briggs Personality Theory over the years.  For 95% of my life, I felt like something was drastically wrong with me.  When I began to truly understand my personality type, I realized that while my personality was rare (about 2% of the total population), there exists an entire group of people with the same quirks that I have.  Sadly, we are all so introverted that we do not know each other.

I must also add that as I grew in my Christian walk with God, I also became more comfortable in understanding and accepting myself.  I believe that God opened my eyes to learn more about personality theory in order that He could help me to accept myself, to know that He created me just as I am, and that no one can be a better me than me.  Interestingly, I began working at a large church shortly after I became a Christian, and the lead pastor is also an INTJ.  As a result, there is an abnormally large percentage of staff members who are INTJs.  Additionally, last year, God brought my husband into my life, and he is an INTJ, as well.  My husband Smith has been hugely instrumental in helping me to accept and love myself because he is so similar to me; we share many of the same quirks.  There has been enormous freedom in my relationship with him, and after all, marriage is the closest earthly representation of God’s relationship to us, so you can see the parallel.

The Four Dimensions of Myers-Briggs Personality

So, back to personality types.  There are four “dimensions” which make up the four letters:

Extraverted or Introverted (E or I): Extraverts prefer large groups of people, with a wide variety of friends; they act first, and then think; they are distracted easily, without as much concentration on a single task; they are very talkative and outgoing.  Introverts prefer small intimate gatherings of close friends; they think first, then act; they focus well, but not as much concentration on the big picture; they are good listeners and more private.

Sensing or Intuitive (S or N): Sensors focus attention on observation and have facts-oriented learning; they are practical, focusing on individual steps; their eyes are on the present; and they like predictable relationships and tasks.  Intuitives are conceptual and have association-based learning; they are imaginative, with broad ideas of a project; they tend to look towards the future; and they enjoy the changes in relationships and tasks.

Thinking or Feeling (T or F): Thinkers think through decisions; they work better with a list of pros and cons; they are critical by nature and are more truthful than tactful; they are more motivated to be right.  Feelers make decisions based on feelings; they think through a decision based on how it effects people; they are people pleasers and are more tactful than truthful; they are more motivated for harmony in relationships.

Judging or Perceiving (J or P): Judgers are not judgmental, the name is a misnomer.  They like dependable situations; they plan everything, with a to do list in hand; they enjoy completing projects; they feel stressed by lack of planning and abrupt changes; they are more likely to complete a goal.  Perceivers are not more perceptive, the name is also a misnomer.  Perceivers like flexible situations; they wait until multiple ideas come up, and pick what to do on the fly; they enjoy starting projects; they feel closed in by specific plans, and looks forward to changes; they are more likely to see an opportunity.

What is your personality type?

When you know which side you fall on for each of the four dimensions described above, you have your complete personality type.  Click here to take a 15-minute questionnaire that will give you your personality type.  It is important to note that your personality is more than the sum of its parts.  I am more than Introverted-Intuitive-Thinking-Judging. 

What is an INTJ?

INTJs like systems, particularly analyzing systems to see if there is a better way to make the system work.  INTJs are aloof and socially awkward.  They tend to be highly intelligent and know what they know, while they are willing to admit what they don’t know.  INTJs are perfectionists and are highly efficient.  INTJs are independent and are not necessarily rule-followers, unless the rule really makes sense.  Authority, celebrity, and marketing ploys have little sway with an INTJ.  INTJs analyze everything and are most comfortable with things that are logical.

INTJs are highly imaginative and reliable.  INTJs place a lot of value on respect, and they quickly lose respect for people who are perceived to be incompetent, lazy, or illogical, and that respect is difficult to gain back.  INTJs tend to think they are always right, and they are good decision-makers because they are not impulsive and tend to weigh the pros and cons of an issue.  They are highly insightful and motivated to closure and organization.

INTJs are natural leaders and are generally respected by others, yet they often prefer to remain in the background.  INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds and have a vast internal, and often subconscious, rule system.  INTJs are often told they are “too serious” or “analyze things too much.”  INTJs, like other introverts, do not tend to smile a lot.

Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways.  In fact, the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

INTJs have particular difficulty with close interpersonal relationships, particularly romantic relationships, in part because INTJs have a difficult time grasping social rituals like flirting or small talk.  A lot of people do not make sense to an INTJ, which is frustrating at times.  Others may perceive INTJs as being intimidating because many INTJs have high expectations of themselves and are often driven to be the best person they can be and love personal growth.  INTJs, however, have the valuable asset of being very motivated to work at relationships and are very loyal.

Previous INTJ posts

You can read my previous posts on INTJ personalities here:

INTJs in Relationships – what INTJs are like in relationships

More INTJs in Relationships – how to understand the INTJ you are crushing on

Things Every INTJ Should Know – more on the personality of an INTJ

Uniqueness, Part I and Part II – why being a single INTJ woman is frustrating (ironically, I wrote these the week before I met my husband)

My Pet INTJ – what you should know about the INTJ in your life

Pop! Quiz – a fun quiz where one of the right answers is “a. INTJ”

Favorite INTJ: Stewie Griffin.  It is totally normal for Smith and I to spend Sunday nights watching “Family Guy” while analyzing and ”personality typing” all the characters.

A relative of mine recently expressed concern over my wedding vows because I said in them that I vowed to honor and obey Smith in our marriage.  I can understand the concern because everything in our society affirms that men and women are equal and should be treated as such.  Additionally, we see extreme examples of men who abuse the authority that God has given them by controlling and manipulating their wives.

I believe that the Bible is the Word of God.  Proving that to my readers is beyond the scope of this essay, but there are plenty of resources available.  (Click on this link and open the document entitled “Life Issues Book PDF” about half way down the page for a brief examination about why people consider the Bible to be God’s Word.) 

A lot of times, what God says in the Bible is counter-intuitive to what we would think on our own.  Many times, the Bible goes against what is commonly thought in society.  Our sin often clouds our minds as to what is “right.”  Doing what God asks is not always easy, but it is always right, and I have found that obedience to God’s will brings far more peace and joy than disobedience does.   Jesus lived a vastly different life than we live, and yet he is seated at the place of highest honor before God.  His life was not without struggle, but the eternal outcome is a place of honor and glory.

I sometimes ask people who want to defend disobedient behavior or behavior that goes against God’s instruction to us, “How is that working for you?”  No one ever responds that their way is working out great.

So, back to the “honor and obey” clause.  God says in Ephesians 5:21-33

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

God has given Smith (and all husbands) the final authority in their marriages.  This is what God says to me and to all wives, and I aim to live authentically by Scripture, and thus I did willingly vow to obey Smith.

As can be seen in the Ephesians passage, the husband is charged with loving his wife as Christ loved the church, with an unselfish love that honors her and cares for her.  Both the husband’s and wife’s roles are to be rooted in love and submission to each other.  Yet God gives someone the final “say,” and He gives it to the husband.

A wise woman once told me that when people tell her that it doesn’t seem fair to women, she replies that it is fair, because women do have a choice.  Women choose who they marry.  I am convinced that a Christian woman ought to only agree to marry a man that she is able to respect and obey before she makes those vows in front of God and her new husband.  Smith values my input and opinion, he solicits suggestions from me, he has a strong and admirable character in tough situations, and I respect the way he thinks through decisions and weighs consequences.  Smith is a man I knew I could trust as the head of our family.

I have heard the pastor at my church say that when a husband and wife have a difference of opinion, the man’s final decision takes responsibility and protects the wife.  If he chooses “his way,” and it fails, he takes responsibility.  If he chooses “her way” and it fails, he also takes responsibility.  If the outcome is successful, they can share in their thankfulness because they made the decision as a team, since the husband made the decision and the wife ultimately supported it (even if it wasn’t “her way”) because she respects her husband.

I am deeply convinced that by honoring Smith and submitting to his final authority, I am serving God.  I am not serving Smith as the king of a kingdom; I am honoring God by adhering to His word.  I am showing respect for my husband, which God has called me to do in several places in His word (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 3:1). 

There will likely be times when Smith is wrong; that is normal because we are all sinful and imperfect.  I can voice my opinion and then I can still do right by honoring his final decision.  In this, I am honoring God, and God will not disappoint me (Romans 5:5).  There are many times when I will be wrong, too.  There are many times when I will disappoint or frustrate Smith.  Yet these times are no surprise to God, and in His economy, it will all be used for my sanctification and His glory.

Unfortunately, some women end up in abusive marriages, despite their attempts to honor God in choosing a husband.  God does not promise us an easy life.  We all have trials, and this is the burden that many women carry.  I have been in several abusive relationships, and I know the pain and the erosion that results.  I thank God that I did not end up marrying these men.  Even when our husbands disappoint and wound us, God is faithful to love and heal us.  I am responsible only for myself, and I am responsible for my obedience.

Today I am thankful for God’s Word.  I am thankful that I live in a time when it is readily available to me and that it contains all the answers to life.  I am thankful that God honors my obedience even when it doesn’t makes sense to me, even that He enables me to be obedient in the first place, for it is only by His grace (and not my own strength) that I am able to do anything good or worthy.